Life After Domestic Violence

Flashback: Yes, I am

lifeafterdomesticviolence — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:19:44 +0000

Yes, I am in an abusive relationship.

Yes, at times I think I deserve it.

Yes, I live with him.

Yes, I love him.

Yes, I’m weak and too codependent to break up with him.

His name is Jay. I have been with Jay for the past four years. When I first met him, I was so attracted to him. He was the bad boy that got all the girls and I wanted to be the one to change him. I wanted him to only have eyes for me. And so our journey began….

But before I get to Jay, to fully understand my codependence, you need to know about my relationship before him. His name was Ben. We were together for four years as well. Our relationship was full of jealousy and control. I rarely hung out with my friends and he rarely hung out with his. If there were members of the opposite sex at a function…don’t even think about going. As bad as it was, I was okay with it for about three of those four years. I was happy because I had a boyfriend who I could spend every second of every day with and I didn’t need anyone else. But towards the end, I got sick of it and longed for my friends so I broke it off. It was the hardest thing I had done at that point in my life. I desperately longed for someone to be there at my beckoning call, to love me and make me feel secure again.

I met Jay less than a month later in my first month of college…

Looking back at college, I have huge regrets. I dropped everything to be with Jay. Even though we only hooked up in parking lots, I waited for his calls,I ditched my friends to be with him for 15 minutes, and I wouldn’t make plans because I was hoping he’d call and ask me to meet him. My friends told me he was hooking up with other girls and he was bad news. I didn’t believe them. I asked him and he said they were all lies and my friends were just jealous. I believed him. Then I moved in with him.

Therapy Through Music

lifeafterdomesticviolence — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 05:08:00 +0000

I’ve been listening Duffy “Warwick Avenue” over and over for the past week. It keeps me strong and prevents me from going back to him again. I light a candle, turn the lights down and take in the lyrics. I left him for the last time…

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Meet me by the entrance of the tube
We can talk things over a little time
Promise me you won’t step out of line

When I get to Warwick Avenue
Please drop the past and be true
Don’t think we’re okay just because I’m here
You hurt me bad but I won’t shed a tear

I’m leaving you for the last time, baby
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I’ve been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you’re loving but I want to be free
Baby you’ve hurt me

When I get to Warwick Avenue
We’ll spend an hour, but no more than two
Our only chance to speak once more
I showed you the answers, now here’s the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue
I’ll tell you baby that we’re through

I’m leaving you for the last time baby
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I’ve been confused, out of my mind lately
You think you’re loving but you don’t love me
I want to be free, baby, you’ve hurt me

Life After Abuse

lifeafterdomesticviolence — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:43:03 +0000

It went on for four and a half years. I moved across the country because I knew I couldn’t break up with him when he knew where to find me. Now, far away, I can finally reveal myself through writing. It ended only a week ago, but I have thought about him all day every day. I have to force myself not to call, text or email him. He wasn’t a monster, his mind was just lost. We were madly in love. I never imagined myself with anyone else. He was the most handsome, sexiest and intelligent man alive. But the obsession turned violent after a year and I stayed for the remaining three years through the physical and mental abuse.

Since I have kept everything to myself for the past four years (I have told absolutely no one), this blog is about my current life with flashbacks to the past. About my journey through an abusive relationship. About my current struggles in becoming normal again. About becoming happy. Happy? Happiness seems so far away…

Hello world!

lifeafterdomesticviolence — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:05:04 +0000

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!